Mets Day 1151: My wife's church talk on service and caregiving

Our church has an all-lay clergy, and members of the congregation take turns speaking at the primary congregational meeting. I've posted a couple of my church talks; following is a recent talk by Jennifer, my wonderful wife and patient caregiver during my cancer journey. I am posting with her permission.

            So, Brother B. called me a couple of days ago as a pinch speaker for today as the scheduled speaker had to go out-of-town unexpectedly.  Now, I don’t recommend short notice to speak in sacrament meeting, but I am grateful for the opportunity to share some thoughts with you about service.

            A great example of unselfish service is the late Mother Teresa of Calcutta, whose vow committed herself and her fellow workers to “wholehearted free service to the poorest of the poor.”  She taught that “one thing will always secure heaven for us—the acts of charity and kindness with which we have filled our lives.”  Mother Teresa stated that “we can do no great things, only small things with great love.”  When this wonderful Catholic servant died, the First Presidency’s message of condolence declared that “Her life of unselfish service is an inspiration to all the world, and her acts of Christian goodness will stand as a memorial for generations to come.”  That is what the Savior called losing our lives in service to others.

            What is service, and why is it so important in the gospel of Jesus Christ?  We are commanded to serve one another.  The first commandment is to love God.  And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.  We demonstrate our love when we help and serve each other.

            Elder Steven E. Snow said that as we serve in our various church callings, we bless the lives of others.  In missionary work, lives are changed as people learn of the gospel of Jesus Christ and receive a testimony of its truth.  By the sacred work in the temple, we bless the lives of those who have gone on before us.  In gospel service, we have the privilege to teach others, to strengthen the youth, and to bless the lives of the little children as they learn the truths of the gospel.  In church service, we learn to give of ourselves and to help others.

            President Spencer W. Kimball, a great example of service, said: “God does notice us, and he watches over us.  But it is usually through another mortal that he meets our needs.  Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other in the kingdom.”  The responsibility of service in the Church, however, does not relieve us of our responsibility to serve our families and our neighbors.  President Kimball went on to warn, “None of us should become so busy in our formal Church assignments that there is no room left for quiet Christian service to our neighbors.”

            We also have a responsibility to render service in our communities.  We should work to improve our neighborhoods, our schools, our cities, and our towns. We can commend those in our midst who, regardless of their political persuasion, work within our local, state, and national governments to improve our lives.  Likewise, we can commend those who volunteer their time and resources to support worthy community and charitable causes, which bless the lives of others and make the world a better place.

            Service changes people.  It refines, purifies, gives a finer perspective, and brings out the best in each one of us.  It gets us looking outward instead of inward.  It prompts us to consider others’ needs ahead of our own.  Righteous service is the expression of true charity, such as the Savior showed.

            Service increases our spirituality.  To explore how it does, I’d like to share with you briefly ten aspects about service from Elder Derek A. Cuthbert.  First, service helps us establish true values and priorities by distinguishing between the worth of material things that pass, and those things of lasting, even eternal, value.  If you would find yourself, learn to deny yourself for the blessing of others.  Forget yourself and find someone who needs your service, and you will discover the secret to the happy, fulfilled life.

            Second, service helps us establish a righteous tradition.  This is so necessary, particularly among young people.  Wise parents will provide service opportunities in the home for their children from an early age.  Growing up with this tradition will blossom into community service and Church service.  It will develop a spirit of volunteerism in a world where people more often ask, “What’s in it for me?”  The Lord has counseled: “For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; …“Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness.” (D&C 58:26–27.)

            Third, service helps us overcome selfishness and sin.  Sin is for one’s own ends, not another’s—certainly not for the Lord’s ends.  Service, on the other hand, is unselfish and constitutes a positive power for good.

            Fourth, not only does service overcome selfishness and sin, but it helps to recompense for sin.  We can express regret and feel remorse for things done wrong, but full repentance should include recompense, such as giving service allows.

            Fifth, service helps us generate love and appreciation.  We come to know people by serving them—their circumstances, their challenges, their hopes and aspirations.

            Sixth, service is the principal way of showing gratitude to the Savior.  We need to fill ourselves up with gratitude for His redeeming love, His infinite atoning sacrifice, His obedience to the will of the Father.  As we become full of gratitude, it overflows into service, and “inasmuch as [we] have done it unto one of the least of these [his] brethren, [we] have done it unto [Him].” (Matt. 25:40.)

            Seventh, service channels our desires and energies into righteous activity.  Every son and daughter of God is a storehouse—even a powerhouse—of desires and energies, which may be used for good or evil.  This great potential needs to be harnessed to bring blessings to others.

            Eighth, service helps us cleanse ourselves and become purified and sanctified.  Not being perfect, are we not all sinners?  Yes, we all need the redeeming and atoning blood of Christ to purge us of our sins.  How is this accomplished? The way is through Christlike service.

            Ninth, charitable service helps us do as the Savior did, for was not His whole ministry one of reaching out and helping, lifting and blessing, loving and caring?  Jesus declares, “I am among you as he that serveth” (Luke 22:27), and again, “For I will raise up unto myself a pure people, that will serve me in righteousness” (D&C 100:16).

            Tenth, service helps us to get to know the Savior, for “how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served?” (Mosiah 5:13.)  As we immerse ourselves in the service of others, we find our spiritual selves and come unto Him.

            In all of these ways, righteous service brings us nearer to Christ, increases our spirituality, and brings others likewise.  As we give Christlike service, it helps us grow spiritually, “[put] off the natural man and [become] a saint” (Mosiah 3:19)—that is, one who is honestly trying to follow the Savior and doing what He would want us to do.

            I’d now like to focus on a specific type of service: caregiving, which I’ve experienced for the past three and a half years as a cancer caregiver to my husband, Ken.  I’ve learned much spiritually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually by serving in this way, and recently received this letter from a far-away friend in need:

Hi Jennifer,

            I’ve thought about you many times over the past few months.  I wonder how you, Ken, and your family are doing.  I moved in with my parents this winter to help care for my mother.  She has been bedridden for three months in excruciating pain.  I've had a very full plate dealing with her care, doctor's visits, the cooking and cleaning, working part time and trying to build my business.  I have been isolating from friends and finally realize I need to come up for air and reach out to the people in my life who I care about and want to maintain contact with.

            I didn't realize being a caregiver was so incredibly hard and emotionally draining.  That's one of the reasons I have thought about you so much over the past few months.  I've wondered how you are dealing with it and how you are coping emotionally.  I'd love to know about any tools you are using to assist with your day to day situation.  I find there is never enough time in the course of a day to do what needs to be done, so I feel like I'm always running but standing in place.  My mother isn't terminally ill, just in chronic debilitating pain.  I don't know how to gear myself up for the possibility that she could live like this for years.

            I came back into town on Monday at noon and immediately drove to my job.  After that, it was back to my parents’ house to care for my mother and learn about how she fared over the weekend.  I read all the medication logs we keep, pain level notes, conversations with doctors, etc.

            I've started seeing a counselor to have an outlet for the emotional turmoil I've been going through in the past few months.  It helps, but I'd also like to have contact with people who are in similar situations.  I realize I need to build a support system for myself while I'm part of my mother's care giving team.

             I'm making a commitment to be better at keeping in touch.  It's part of my self-care in this chaos.  Miss you!  Love, your friend

And my response to her:

Hi, my friend –

            It's good to hear from you - sounds like you're juggling many activities and concerns in life.  Although I don't have answers or advice, I can definitely empathize with your situation, and will share some caregiving insights and ideas to consider - take what you want, leave the rest.

             First, in reading through your letter, it seems that you're already aware of several effective tools for self-care, especially during the intensity of caregiving:  You said "I finally realize I need to come up for air and reach out to the people in my life who I care about and want to maintain contact with".  This concept is critical in caregivers' self-care, as is having healthy outlets for the swirling mix of emotions often inherent in caregiving - such as maintaining involvement in hobbies, working with a skilled counselor, and having contact with people who are in similar situations.  You're the best person to ask what tools you need in a support system for yourself while you're part of your mother's caregiving team - what are your spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental needs and how can they best be met?  Which of them are non-negotiable, and which of them are flexible and sometimes optional (needs vs. wants)?

             As caregivers, it's essential to pace ourselves and take good care of ourselves, as no one else knows, comprehends, nor necessarily attends to our needs in these difficult times.  Caregivers do best when we meet our need for food, water, sleep, exercise, prayer, meditation, and use whatever tools work best for us to "relax" or at least decompress during stressful times.  Initially in caregiving, we likely experience the effects of intense emotional whiplash, so it's wise to be gentle with and kind to ourselves as we transition from being sprinters in navigating difficulties, to pacing ourselves in the marathon of some types of caregiving.  Perhaps we can discuss our situation with a few trusted people who can help us move through the caregiving journey with at least some degree of dignity and grace (or sometimes not!)  We can learn that it's okay and healthy to lean on folks for support in this process.  During the most intense caregiving times, hopefully we can call on friends in our church community and/or neighborhood to help us with caregiver breaks, preparing meals, and doing other service, with one of them designated to coordinate these efforts so we can focus our energies on regaining and maintaining our balance.  We also can have spiritual advisors and trusted confidants who assist us personally.

             Hopefully, some of the above will help in releasing your feeling of running but standing in place, so that you can experience the feeling of stillness in motion, as caregiving is rarely static nor predictable.

             Take good care of yourself, and I'll keep you and your mother in my prayers.  Love, Jennifer

            Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave wise counsel to caregivers in the October 2013 General Conference: QUOTE “Watch for the stress indicators in yourself and in others you may be able to help.  As with your automobile, be alert to rising temperatures, excessive speed, or a tank low on fuel.  When you face “depletion depression,” make the requisite adjustments.  Fatigue is the common enemy of us all—so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill.  Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly will take time later on to be ill.”

            “If you are a caregiver, try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task.  Don’t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can.  If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient.  Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait.  Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education.”

            “For caregivers, in your devoted effort to assist with another’s health, do not destroy your own.  In all these things be wise.  Do not run faster than you have strength.  Whatever else you may or may not be able to provide, you can offer your prayers and you can give “love unfeigned.”  “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; … [it] beareth all things, … hopeth all things, endureth all things.  Charity never faileth.” CLOSE QUOTE

            Earlier this month, as a counselor in our ward’s Relief Society presidency, I attended an Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists conference, where one of the workshops was titled “Compassion Fatigue”.  Compassion fatigue is the gradual lessening of compassion over time leading to indifference, stress, anxiety, guilt, and decreased capacity to be authentic and present with another.  Contrast that with compassion satisfaction, which is positive feelings that helpers feel as a result of what they do, including a sense of fulfillment, motivation, and satisfaction of the impact one has on another.  Consider asking yourself: are the ways in which I serve leading me to experience compassion fatigue or compassion satisfaction?  In my good, better, best efforts, am I remembering to put on my own oxygen mask first before rushing off to help others with theirs?

            As many of you know, I’ve had and continue to have the privilege of participating in individual and family clinical social work, and am currently pursuing my Master of Social Work with an emphasis in expressive arts.  One of my most influential social work mentors is a woman named Brené Brown.  She has a Ph.D., is a licensed social worker and research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work.  The main concept in her work is wholeheartedness, which includes letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol, productivity as self-worth, and anxiety as a lifestyle so that we can cultivate play, rest, calm, and stillness.  Calm is creating a perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional reactivity.  Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; it’s about creating a clearing.  It’s opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question.

            Many times in the scriptures, we read that Jesus Christ, after His numerous acts of service and caregiving efforts, retreated to the wilderness alone.  It’s my belief that Jesus Christ did so to cultivate calm and stillness as He regrouped and recharged through rest.  May we follow His example of unselfish service while simultaneously taking good care of ourselves as we serve others is my hope and prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.