So,
Brother B. called me a couple of days ago as a pinch speaker for today as the
scheduled speaker had to go out-of-town unexpectedly. Now, I don’t recommend short notice to speak in sacrament
meeting, but I am grateful for the opportunity to share some thoughts with you
about service.
A
great example of unselfish service is the late Mother Teresa of Calcutta, whose
vow committed herself and her fellow workers to “wholehearted free service to
the poorest of the poor.” She taught that “one thing will always secure heaven for
us—the acts of charity and kindness with which we have filled our lives.” Mother Teresa stated that “we can
do no great things, only small things with great love.” When this wonderful Catholic servant
died, the First Presidency’s message of condolence declared that “Her life of
unselfish service is an inspiration to all the world, and her acts of Christian goodness will stand as a memorial for
generations to come.” That
is what the Savior called losing our lives in service to others.
What
is service, and why is it so important in the gospel of Jesus Christ? We are
commanded to serve one another.
The first commandment is to love God. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy
neighbour as thyself. We demonstrate our love when we help and serve each other.
Elder
Steven E. Snow said that as we serve in our various church callings, we bless
the lives of others. In missionary work, lives are changed as people learn of the gospel of Jesus
Christ and receive a testimony of its truth. By the sacred work in the temple, we bless the lives of
those who have gone on before us.
In gospel service, we have the privilege to teach others, to strengthen
the youth, and to bless the lives of the little children as they learn the
truths of the gospel. In church
service, we learn to give of ourselves and to help others.
President
Spencer W. Kimball, a great example of service, said: “God does notice us, and
he watches over us. But it is
usually through another mortal that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve
each other in the kingdom.” The responsibility of service in the
Church, however, does not relieve us of our responsibility to serve our
families and our neighbors.
President Kimball went on to warn, “None of us should become so busy in
our formal Church assignments that there is no room left for quiet Christian service to our neighbors.”
We
also have a responsibility to render service in our communities. We should work to improve our
neighborhoods, our schools, our cities, and our towns. We can commend those in
our midst who, regardless of their political persuasion, work within our local,
state, and national governments to improve our lives. Likewise, we can commend those who volunteer their time and
resources to support worthy community and charitable causes, which bless the
lives of others and make the world a better place.
Service
changes people. It refines,
purifies, gives a finer perspective, and brings out the best in each one of
us. It gets us looking outward
instead of inward. It prompts us
to consider others’ needs ahead of our own. Righteous service is the expression of true charity, such as
the Savior showed.
Service
increases our spirituality. To
explore how it does, I’d like to share with you briefly ten aspects about
service from Elder Derek A. Cuthbert.
First, service helps us establish true values and priorities by
distinguishing between the worth of material things that pass, and those things
of lasting, even eternal, value.
If you would find yourself, learn to deny yourself for the blessing of
others. Forget yourself and find
someone who needs your service, and you will discover the secret to the happy,
fulfilled life.
Second,
service helps us establish a righteous tradition. This is so necessary, particularly among young people. Wise parents will provide service
opportunities in the home for their children from an early age. Growing up with this tradition will
blossom into community service and Church service. It will develop a spirit of volunteerism in a world where people
more often ask, “What’s in it for me?”
The Lord has counseled: “For behold, it is not meet that I should
command in all things; …“Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a
good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much
righteousness.” (D&C
58:26–27.)
Third,
service helps us overcome selfishness and sin. Sin is for one’s own ends, not another’s—certainly not for
the Lord’s ends. Service, on the
other hand, is unselfish and constitutes a positive power for good.
Fourth,
not only does service overcome selfishness and sin, but it helps to recompense
for sin. We can express regret and
feel remorse for things done wrong, but full
repentance should include recompense, such as giving service allows.
Fifth,
service helps us generate love and appreciation. We come to know people by serving them—their circumstances,
their challenges, their hopes and aspirations.
Sixth,
service is the principal way of showing gratitude to the Savior.
We need to fill ourselves up with gratitude for His redeeming love, His
infinite atoning sacrifice, His obedience to the will of the Father. As we become full of gratitude, it
overflows into service, and “inasmuch as [we] have done it unto one of the
least of these [his] brethren, [we] have done it unto [Him].” (Matt.
25:40.)
Seventh,
service channels our desires and energies into righteous activity. Every son and daughter of God is a
storehouse—even a powerhouse—of desires and energies, which may be used for
good or evil. This great potential
needs to be harnessed to bring blessings to others.
Eighth,
service helps us cleanse ourselves and become purified and sanctified. Not being perfect, are we not all
sinners? Yes, we all need the
redeeming and atoning blood of Christ to purge us of our sins. How is this accomplished? The way is
through Christlike service.
Ninth,
charitable service helps us do as the Savior did, for was not His whole
ministry one of reaching out and helping, lifting and blessing, loving and
caring? Jesus declares, “I am
among you as he that serveth” (Luke
22:27), and again, “For I will raise up unto
myself a pure people, that will serve me in righteousness” (D&C
100:16).
Tenth,
service helps us to get to know the Savior, for “how knoweth a man the master
whom he has not served?” (Mosiah
5:13.) As we immerse ourselves in the service of others, we find
our spiritual selves and come unto Him.
In
all of these ways, righteous service brings us nearer to Christ, increases our
spirituality, and brings others likewise.
As we give Christlike service, it helps us grow spiritually, “[put] off
the natural man and [become] a saint” (Mosiah
3:19)—that is, one who is honestly trying
to follow the Savior and doing what He would want us to do.
I’d now like to focus on a specific type of
service: caregiving, which I’ve experienced for the past three and a half years
as a cancer caregiver to my husband, Ken.
I’ve learned much spiritually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually
by serving in this way, and recently received this letter from a far-away
friend in need:
Hi
Jennifer,
I’ve
thought about you many times over the past few months. I wonder how you, Ken, and your family
are doing. I moved in with my
parents this winter to help care for my mother. She has been bedridden for three months in excruciating
pain. I've had a very full plate
dealing with her care, doctor's visits, the cooking and cleaning, working part
time and trying to build my business.
I have been isolating from friends and finally realize I need to come up
for air and reach out to the people in my life who I care about and want to
maintain contact with.
I
didn't realize being a caregiver was so incredibly hard and emotionally
draining. That's one of the
reasons I have thought about you so much over the past few months. I've wondered how you are dealing with
it and how you are coping emotionally.
I'd love to know about any tools you are using to assist with your day to
day situation. I find there is
never enough time in the course of a day to do what needs to be done, so I feel
like I'm always running but standing in place. My mother isn't terminally ill, just in chronic debilitating
pain. I don't know how to gear
myself up for the possibility that she could live like this for years.
I
came back into town on Monday at noon and immediately drove to my job. After that, it was back to my parents’
house to care for my mother and learn about how she fared over the
weekend. I read all the medication
logs we keep, pain level notes, conversations with doctors, etc.
I've
started seeing a counselor to have an outlet for the emotional turmoil I've
been going through in the past few months. It helps, but I'd also like to have contact with people who
are in similar situations. I
realize I need to build a support system for myself while I'm part of my
mother's care giving team.
I'm
making a commitment to be better at keeping in touch. It's part of my self-care in this chaos. Miss you! Love, your friend
And
my response to her:
Hi,
my friend –
It's
good to hear from you - sounds like you're juggling many activities and
concerns in life. Although I don't
have answers or advice, I can definitely empathize with your situation, and
will share some caregiving insights and ideas to consider - take what you want,
leave the rest.
First,
in reading through your letter, it seems that you're already aware of several
effective tools for self-care, especially during the intensity of
caregiving: You said "I
finally realize I need to come up for air and reach out to the people in my
life who I care about and want to maintain contact with". This concept is critical in caregivers'
self-care, as is having healthy outlets for the swirling mix of emotions often
inherent in caregiving - such as maintaining involvement in hobbies, working
with a skilled counselor, and having contact with people who are in similar
situations. You're the best person
to ask what tools you need in a support system for yourself while you're part
of your mother's caregiving team - what are your spiritual, physical,
emotional, and mental needs and how can they best be met? Which of them are non-negotiable, and
which of them are flexible and sometimes optional (needs vs. wants)?
As
caregivers, it's essential to pace ourselves and take good care of ourselves,
as no one else knows, comprehends, nor necessarily attends to our needs in
these difficult times. Caregivers
do best when we meet our need for food, water, sleep, exercise, prayer,
meditation, and use whatever tools work best for us to "relax" or at
least decompress during stressful times.
Initially in caregiving, we likely experience the effects of intense
emotional whiplash, so it's wise to be gentle with and kind to ourselves as we
transition from being sprinters in navigating difficulties, to pacing ourselves
in the marathon of some types of caregiving. Perhaps we can discuss our situation with a few trusted
people who can help us move through the caregiving journey with at least some
degree of dignity and grace (or sometimes not!) We can learn that it's okay and healthy to lean on folks for
support in this process. During
the most intense caregiving times, hopefully we can call on friends in our
church community and/or neighborhood to help us with caregiver breaks,
preparing meals, and doing other service, with one of them designated to
coordinate these efforts so we can focus our energies on regaining and
maintaining our balance. We also
can have spiritual advisors and trusted confidants who assist us personally.
Hopefully,
some of the above will help in releasing your feeling of running but standing
in place, so that you can experience the feeling of stillness in motion, as
caregiving is rarely static nor predictable.
Take
good care of yourself, and I'll keep you and your mother in my prayers. Love, Jennifer
Elder
Jeffrey R. Holland gave wise counsel to caregivers in the October 2013 General
Conference: QUOTE “Watch for the stress indicators in yourself and in others
you may be able to help. As with
your automobile, be alert to rising temperatures, excessive speed, or a tank low
on fuel. When you face “depletion
depression,” make the requisite adjustments. Fatigue is the common enemy of us all—so slow down, rest up,
replenish, and refill. Physicians
promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly will take
time later on to be ill.”
“If
you are a caregiver, try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task. Don’t assume you can fix everything,
but fix what you can. If those are
only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient. Dozens of times in the scriptures, the
Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait. Patiently enduring some things is
part of our mortal education.”
“For
caregivers, in your devoted effort to assist with another’s health, do not
destroy your own. In all these
things be wise. Do not run faster
than you have strength. Whatever
else you may or may not be able to provide, you can offer your prayers and you
can give “love unfeigned.” “Charity
suffereth long, and is kind; … [it] beareth all things, … hopeth all things,
endureth all things. Charity never faileth.” CLOSE QUOTE
Earlier
this month, as a counselor in our ward’s Relief Society presidency, I attended
an Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists conference, where one
of the workshops was titled “Compassion Fatigue”. Compassion fatigue is the gradual lessening of compassion
over time leading to indifference, stress, anxiety, guilt, and decreased
capacity to be authentic and present with another. Contrast that with compassion satisfaction, which is
positive feelings that helpers feel as a result of what they do, including a
sense of fulfillment, motivation, and satisfaction of the impact one has on
another. Consider asking yourself:
are the ways in which I serve leading me to experience compassion fatigue or
compassion satisfaction? In my
good, better, best efforts, am I remembering to put on my own oxygen mask first
before rushing off to help others with theirs?
As many of you know, I’ve had and continue
to have the privilege of participating in individual and family clinical social
work, and am currently pursuing my Master of Social Work with an emphasis in
expressive arts. One of my most
influential social work mentors is a woman named Brené
Brown. She has a Ph.D., is a
licensed social worker and research professor at the University of
Houston Graduate
College of Social Work. The main concept in her work is
wholeheartedness, which includes letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol,
productivity as self-worth, and anxiety as a lifestyle so that we can cultivate
play, rest, calm, and stillness.
Calm is creating a perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional
reactivity. Stillness is not about
focusing on nothingness; it’s about creating a clearing. It’s opening up an emotionally
clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and
question.
Many
times in the scriptures, we read that Jesus Christ, after His numerous acts of
service and caregiving efforts, retreated to the wilderness alone. It’s my belief that Jesus Christ did so
to cultivate calm and stillness as He regrouped and recharged through
rest. May we follow His example of
unselfish service while simultaneously taking good care of ourselves as we
serve others is my hope and prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
