Mets Day 214 - Cancer diagnosed one year ago today

One year ago today, on Saturday, November 12, 2011, I noticed blood in my urine.  I saw it on only two occasions that afternoon.  The first time, it was a spurt of bright red blood, then normal-colored urine.  The second time, there was some more bright red blood, then a small clot, then normal urine.  Little did I know that my life as I knew it was about to change forever.  I called my doctor on Monday, November 14, and he referred me to a urologist, who I saw the next day.  The rest is chronicled in 157 blog posts.

Was it only a year ago?  It seems so much longer.  So much has happened since then:  6 weeks and two TURBT's to get a definitive diagnosis of pT2b; two weeks to figure out if saving the bladder was an option, and if not, whether to have immediate surgery or neoadjuvant chemotherapy; three an a half months of chemo, followed by the crushing news that chemo had failed and the tumor had metastasized; the scramble to get an immediate OR, and surgery on May 2 to remove the bladder, prostate and 61 lymph nodes, as well as the construction of a neobladder; the definitive pathology report that 12 lymph nodes were positive, accompanied by the news that I was at Stage IV, and there there was no known treatment for my cancer; the painful recovery from the surgery; the development of the stricture in the urethra, and the ongoing search (and unresolved) effort to fix it and be continent; all coupled with the high probability that my cancer will coalesce into untreatable secondary tumors that will kill me.

A year later, I continue to struggle with sleep.  Despite the new formulation of Ambien CR that I am taking, last night I was unable to go to sleep until about 3:30 am.  I do not feel well-rested, and continue to have a foggy brain during the day.  I have a hard time recalling facts, or events, or names and memories.  I yawn a lot.  I am rarely alert. 

The cascade of cancer's complications has led me to decide to apply for permanent disability, which likely will end my legal practice.  My cancer has caused me to reevaluate and prioritize my life goals.  I try to spend more time with family, and not defer until later things I ought to be doing now.  Spiritually, my life is richer, as I have a greater appreciation for God's mercy and grace.  I view each day as a gift from God, and am more grateful now for life than I ever have been.