Mets Day 365 - First anniversary of my mets diagnosis

365 days have passed since I had the CT scan that showed my cancer had spread outside of my bladder.  There was a period of time that I wondered if I would see this milestone.  My odds of survival gradually creep higher with each day, but they are still long.  I have been liberated by letting go of my cancer battle, and placing my life in the hands of the Lord.  I no longer worry about whether I will have secondary tumors form.  If it happens, so be it. Cancer does not govern my life.

I still struggle with the side effects of my balky neobladder. Unlike cancer, I have not surrendered with regard to therapy for my neobladder and incontinence, because there is still some medical options for addressing that. Perhaps that reflects the limits of my faith -- only when there is nothing more that man can do, do I place my trust in God.  If that is true -- and I'm still pondering it -- it shows how weak my faith really is, and how much more I need to grow. 

I am grateful for each day, and for my new perspective on living.  I would like to say that ever minute of every day is well-spent, but that would not be accurate.  I still watch ESPN on occasion, and at times have not shown my gratitude to family, friends, and colleagues. I try to be more mindful, but it is so easy to slip into old habits.  I find my muscle memory to be surprising -- I would have expected that cancer would have ingrained a mightier change upon my soul.  It is more accurate to say that living with cancer continues to teach me lessons that I am still learning.