ddMVAC chemo Day 6: I don't know if I can do this

I'm still wiped out.  I've got no energy to do anything.  I shuffle across the room or up the stairs and I'm breathing hard.  Who knew this chemo regimen would turn me into an 80 year old man?

I just sent the following email to my doctors:

Drs. Aragon-Ching and Apolo:

A quick note to advise you of my status.  I have found the ddMVAC to be exhausting.  I have kept the nausea at bay and avoided major GI issues, but have had almost no energy.  I am breathing hard after going up a couple of flights of stairs.  I am extra sensitive to bright lights or loud noises.  My existing tinnitus seems to have been ratcheted up a couple of notches.  I am finding it hard to concentrate on a task for more than a few minutes.  I've been hoping the effects will decrease with time, and maybe I'm impatient, but if this is what it's going to be like foe 12 weeks, I'm questioning whether the game is worth the candle. 

Dr. Aragon-Ching, I'm scheduled to do lab work at your office on Wednesday at around 3 pm.  I have an echo scheduled for 3:15 pm.  If appropriate, I'd appreciate checking in with you to discuss my labs and the side effects.  I can come in earlier if that helps.

Many thanks for your ongoing care,

Ken

I'm thinking that, unless this gets better, I really don't want to be feeling like this for 12 weeks.  The only reason I'm doing this is a chance that it will delay the spread of my metastatic cancer.  It's not going to cure me, and its unlikely to buy me much additional time.  I don't to spend three months feeling like this.  These three months might otherwise be the time that I'd be feeling the least affected by cancer. 

It's no longer strange to be weighing life in a matter of months.  Before cancer, how easy it was to live oblivious to mortality, to assume that I would have years or decades in front of me to do things, or make changes, or whatever.  Last night I opened a new tube of toothpaste and wondered if it would last longer than I would. 

Cancer brings perspective and humility like little else.  Having my granddaughter near helps immensely.  The joy and wonder and beauty of new life makes measure of what matters most.