Mets Day 18 - Supporting the family

I have written relatively little about the effect of my cancer on my wife and children.  As surgery approaches, I can sense the stress level increasing, especially in Jennifer and Kirsten.  Jennifer tries to deal with it by her own spiritual means, including prayer and mediation, as well as talking through her feelings with others.  Kirsten is processing everything internally, not wanting to talk with most people about how she is feeling.  Spencer appears to be coping by confronting his uncertainties and resolving to be a better person and reconnecting with his family.  Garrett continues with his boundless optimism, as well as an essential understanding that he can't control what is happening, so he chooses to not dwell on it.  Chelsea and Josh have each other, and talk through their concerns and provide support to each other. 

It is not for me to pass judgment on how each family member is dealing with the consequences of my cancer.  Each person deals with with stress in his or her own way.  But I am noticing tension between Jennifer and Kirsten and they are the most dissimilar in their approaches.  Attempts by Jennifer to draw out Kirsten usually end in a monologue by Jennifer, and monosyllabic responses from Kirsten. 

We've chosen to not fly any extended family out here while Jennifer and I are in Chicago.  All of the kids wanted to handle things on their own.  So, the kids will manage the house and take care of all of their obligations.  Our church is taking an active role in supporting our family while we'll be gone.  People will bring by meals for the kids and make sure the house hasn't burned down (although I don't want to know if it has).  Our good friend Nicole is coordinating the efforts.  We're grateful for the support of our fellow church members.

One of the great things about writing this blog is that it lets me communicate with my extended family, friends, and colleagues about what's going on with me, and relieves me of the burden of having to repeat the same depressing facts 20 times a day.  Yep, still have cancer.  Nope, not cured yet.  Yep, chemo sucks. Yep, I've still got most of my hair.  Yep, I'm having surgery.  Maybe it will work, maybe it won't.  Yeah, it sucks.  I'm baring my soul in my blog, and everyone knows how I'm doing, and I don't have to talk about it. 

My immediate family, on the other hand, has not been blogging (with the occasional exception of Chelsea; see her blog here).  Most people don't know how the the family members are doing, or feeling, except what they can glean through my commentaries.  I've realized that many people don't know what to say to my family members.  Asking "how are you doing?" to the kids rarely draws an honest response of "my dad's got cancer, the odds suck, he's going away for weeks, I'm afraid he'll die, and I don't know what I'm feeling."   Saying "let me know what I can do to help" is well-intentioned, safe, and usually useless, because it's virtually impossible to come up with a socially appropriate response.  For Jennifer, if you are reading the blog, then ask Jennifer how things are going is tough for her, because dozens of other people are doing the same thing.  I know that I don't want to talk about the same damn thing over and over again, and while Jennifer has a greater capacity for conversation then me, I think that she also gets weary of repeating what's in the blog. 

So, how can you support my family while I'm recuperating?  I have no idea.  I have no doubt that they are going to need that support, because I'll be focused on other things, such as trying to move without tearing my gut open, or learning how to pee again, or other mundane things.  But here are some ideas:

• Send a card or letter or text to an individual family member to let them know you are thinking about them.
• Take one of the kids out to Chipotle or for ice cream or the like.  Don't grill them; just relax and let the conversation flow.
• Take Garrett and Nephi to the dog park, or to come and play on a weekend.
• Bring or send some flowers to Kirsten or Jennifer.

I'm sure there are lots of other things that more creative or socially adept people than me can think of.  Don't be upset if they resist or blow you off or are hard to schedule.

I am grateful for the support of family, friends, and my church and work communities.  I have been heartened and strengthened by many, many emails from so many.  Old friends that I have not spoken with n decades have called or emailed to say that they heard the news and wanted to wish me well.  I am most grateful for those people of faith who have included me in their prayers.  I believe that God hears the call who call who seek him, and am humbled that so many have bent their knees on my behalf.  Thank you.