Chemo Day 38 - dealing with it

I find myself slowly climbing out of the chemo-induced side effects:  the sores in my mouth are slowly healing; the rate of hair loss is slowing; the amount of energy I have at the cellular level is slowly increasing.  But my awareness of these improvements is tempered with the knowledge that, next Monday, I start my third cycle and plunge back into the pit again.  That knowledge wears on me, and diminishes the satisfaction that my temporary improvement might otherwise bring. 

I am now beginning to better appreciate how chemotherapy can create a persistent mental or emotional drain.  I generally think of myself as a realist with a strong core and a resilient sense of optimism.  I find that the knowledge that I'm going to go through the same thing two more times, and I'm probably going to have accumulated even more side effects, can be draining on my sense of optimism.  But the realist side of me says, "it is what it is, deal with it."  So I do.

I find that ways to deal with it mostly involve getting outside of myself and spending time with others.  Last night I helped my son-in-law install a new light fixture, which involved some diagnostic guesswork and rewiring the 50 year old circuits.  I didn't think about my cancer once.  When I've taken my daughter out on her new (to her) motorcycle and watched her practice in a large parking lot, I didn't think about my cancer.  When I prepare for and teach my law school class, or Sunday School class, I don't think about my cancer.  When I am engaged at work, I don't think about my cancer.  When I am soaking with my wife in the hot tub and talking  about the day, I don't think about my cancer. 

For me, the best way to displace my problems and worries is to spend time with and serve others.