This past week has been tough. I felt worn down by the accumulated toxins in my body, and had less physical energy, mental drive, emotional depth, or spiritual faith than I would like to have had. Yesterday I went home early from church, since I had no energy and was feeling weak. Much as I would like to fill the spiritual tank, it's hard to do when you just want to lean back and close your eyes.
This morning I went back to the cancer center for another round of Gemzar (a "short" round), and was told that my white blood cell counts were very low - about 20% of normal. After some consulting with my doctor, they decided to proceed with the chemo, since I'm getting a Neulasta booster shot tomorrow. But I was cautioned to stay away from sick people, since my immune system is compromised. Maybe I'll put a "quarantine" note on my office door.
I can look forward to a one-week longer break from chemo - round 4 won't start until April 9, since we hope to take the kids to visit the grandparents and family in Florida over their school's spring break during the week of April 2. I hope I'm going to be able to go - I feel like I need the break. Yet I already am dreading that next course. I am weary of chemo, weary of weakness, weary of the side effects. If this is a marathon, I feel like I'm at mile 20 and hitting the wall. And part of me knows that the race won't end at mile 26.2. Instead, I'm running a race and I don't know where the finish line is.
My new motto: When the going gets tough, take a nap.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Spam comments will not be accepted for posting.