Mets Day 171 - the week of the weak

This past week has been another long one at work.  We’re just over two weeks away from picking a jury in the case that I have been working on since before my diagnosis.  I feel a substantial amount of responsibility to my co-workers and client to do what I can in helping to prepare the case, even though I have taken myself out of any speaking role at the trial.  

Consistent sleep still remains elusive, and I find that each day my state of mental alertness declines quickly, like running XP on a laptop with an old battery.  In the mornings, I have power, but boot up slowly, and it feels like takes forever to do something.  At some point, I lose power and my memory is zapped.  The trouble is, I don’t know when that moment will come each day.  I feel like I am no longer a reliable cog in my firm’s legal machine.  I don't like being the weakest link. 

Next Tuesday, I go up to Fox Chase for another round of scans.  I’ve tried to not think about it, but October 2 has been looming larger in the shadows of my mind.  It’s hard not to think what if, or have some trepidation.  One the one hand, I think that I mentally have accepted the chance that the scans could show the cancer has metastasized into a solid tumor somewhere in my body.  On the other hand, that news would remove the benefit of the doubt in which I currently live.  What is better: the bliss of ignorance, or the knowledge that science provides?  I have sought the latter, but at times wish that I could escape the consequences of that knowledge.  But closing my eyes and holding my breath won’t make my cancer go away. 

I’ve told a couple of my partners that, if the scans are positive, I won’t be going back to work at all.  I think I mean that, but I really don’t know.  I have not really dwelt on it. 

On my list of things to do is to fill out the applications for disability benefits from my insurance company. The test is whether I am capable of doing the same work that I was doing B.C.  My insurance agent, who has handled a number of such claims, is convinced that this is a pretty easy call in favor of my qualifying.  We'll see.