To quote from Finding Nemo, I am Mr. Grumpy Gills. I am tired of sticks (11 and counting today), tired of urine leaking from my tubes (7 different reconstructions of my various dressings today), tired of IV infusions (I've had a continuous drip since Wednesday; today I had multiple bags, pus a blood transfusion since my red blood cell counts were not coming up); tired of my bowels learning how to function again (sudden and painful rounds of gas followed by loose and icky diarrhea). Plus I've had nothing resembling a decent sleep for days. At about 3 pm I ceased having any pretences, and telling everyone how I felt and thought with no tact or consideration. Jennifer and Chelsea wisely left at about 5 pm. I know that I need to do better, and be a better person. But I'm still grumpy.
As of this morning, I've been taken off the morphine IV pump, and switched over to Vicodin. It's working as well, if not better, to control the pain. I do miss my abdominal muscles. Sitting up in bed is nearly impossible. I need to slowly raise up the bed, then still need to roll on my side and grab the hand rails to reach anything approximating a sitting position.
This afternoon, one of the residents came in and give me a local anesthetic, then gave me a couple of stitches around the SPT drain. It had been leaking profusely. Now it only leaks a lot. The scar is going to be ugly, too.
The beef and chicken broth at this place is way too salty, and tastes nasty. All I can stomach is the jello. Maybe tomorrow I can get some real food. Maybe one of the reasons that I am grumpy is because I miss real food. Maybe it's because I've been eviscerated. Maybe it's because I still don't know if I've got cancer. There's so many reasons to be grumpy, so why stop at one?
I know that this too will pass, and that I'll feel better when I feel better. The tautology is deliberate. I am choosing to feel grumpy, and when I get tired of it, I'll choose to feel differently.
Ok, Jennifer and Chelsea just got back, so now I'm going to visit with them. This vent is now closed.
You can ask for a sleeping pill. It may help you get a good noght sleep. The downside, it could make you confused in the middle of the night. A repeat of last nights walk would not impress your nurses... By the way, there is nothing wrong with a pity party, and being angry at this damed cancer. The worse part is, you can't even use the phrase " it's better to be pissed off, than to be pissed on"...
ReplyDeleteLove you
Ravonne
I'm with Revon. Have your pity party with lots of whine and geeze. complaining can be very cathartic. Keep it up until you bore yourself, then it will be time to stop.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Bill
Yeah, you deserve a chance to vent. You have been so cool and calm about this....you should vent and vicodin is way better! Ravonne, funny comment! Hey, what will your first meal be? Do you get to choose or will it be hospital food? Hang in there! Love to all, jenny
ReplyDelete"I know that I need to do better, and be a better person. But I'm still grumpy."
ReplyDeleteIf anyone has a right to feel grumpy, it's you! My goodness, you've gone through so much.