Mets Day 46 - 4 am frustrations and fears

It's around 4 am Tuesday morning.  Tonight has been another night of uncomfortable and disrupted sleep.  The SP tube is a source of constant pain.  Every time I move, it pulls and tugs against my skin, which is red with irritation and yellow with lack of healing.  With the SPT blocked, I am required to get up every 2 hours and drain my neobladder.  I have received no training on how to do it.  I have felt abandoned by my doctors.  I am deeply frustrated at my difficulty in consistently voiding.  Over this weekend I found myself regretting the decision to get a neobladder.  If the rest of my life is going to be so short, why should i be spending it battling a piece of bowel and trying to make it act like a bladder?

In the dark of the night, as I lay awake, unable to sleep, unable to find a position that does not create pain, prevented from taking Vicodin because it causes constipation, wishing Ibuprofin was more powerful, moving from bed to chair and back again, trying to void and more often than not failing, it is easy to let the mind slip into melancholy, savoring the fetid ashes of defeat, wondering of ever I will feel joy and happiness again.  4 am is no time for happy thoughts.  I roll my tongue around my dry mouth and wonder how long I have to live.  What will my quality of life be?  How will my family cope after I am gone?  What can I do to prepare them and me for the inevitable?  I feel alone and abandoned.

My sole source of comfort comes by pouring out my frustrations and fears to God, who knows my heart, knows my needs, knows my family, knows all.  I have been humbled by my physical ailments, and know that there is little that medicine can do to save me.  There is no known cure, no magic diet, nothing to assure me that the hands of men can save me.  For they cannot, and never could.  My comfort and salvation comes from the Lord, and no other.  Only He can assuage my frustrations and fears.  Only He can answer the pleas of my heart.  Only He can give me rest.